BLOG 104: THE RUSH TO DEFINE MY SEXUALITY

In 2020 I officially had my “coming out” which I announced on TikTok and then shared on my Instagram.

This coming out was met with a mix of reactions but a majority of them were either extremely supportive or extremely confused.

The TikTok video was of me signing a trending sound at the time and expressing that I have a preference and more of an attraction to women!

A lot of people thought this was me coming out as a lesbian and honestly, they were probably right.

I say probably because being bisexual has never really felt like something that I could 100% relate to.

The spectrum of my bisexuality was far away from the middle. I always said “I am 98% attracted to women and 2% attracted to men.”

I watch tv and literally lust over women and have to try my hardest not to get the “ick” when I’m watching a man I may be a tiny bit attracted to.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m genuinely attracted to men or if I’m just conditioned by society.

After I allow that thought to even be considered I then remember the lust and attraction I feel when I REALLY do like someone. That “someone” being a man.

Normally the men I lust over the most are the ones who pay me little to no mind. The second they give me the attention I desire I abort mission.

I literally met a guy who was physically “my type”, had the same birthday as me, the same car, grew up in the same place and yet here I am, not in a relationship with him, by choice.

I mentioned a relationship because the old me would’ve felt like that situation was kismet and nothing but divine…

The new me is over here just trying to figure out why my dating experiences as an adult haven’t been all that fun.

Dating women was EXHILARATING! It was always something new. Yes some of the women I talked to had severe issues but shit so do I!

But life really changed for me when I was with a woman and had to force myself to be attracted to her. Force probably isn’t the best word but my attraction didn’t come as naturally as it normally did for other women.

This is a story I haven’t gotten into on the show yet but will at the top of the year.

My point is my sexual journey with women changed when I realized I really wasn’t attracted to the majority like I thought I was BUT the odds were still better when it came to my attraction to women vs men.

I think the problem with society as a whole, is this whole label thing.

I’m so grateful to be growing up during a time when sexuality can be expressed in SO MANY ENDLESS AMOUNTS OF WAYS.

There are terms that probably didn’t exist ten years ago but now make me feel so whole and seen. I love it!

On the flip side I hate that I feel like I have to make a choice. If I’m not a lesbian, then I’m Bi, if I’m not bi then I’m hetero but I damn sure ain’t that.

Some days I even think maybe I’m pan! (Meaning you love everyone men, women, non binary peeps, trans men and women etc)

Another interesting thing is I’ve realized I am very attractive to 1. Gay men and 2. Men who are in touch with their feminine energy but identify as straight 3. Bisexual men.

My goodness! I am so utterly attracted to all three kinds of men.

I believe I’m attracted to gay men because I know they’ll never want me, which makes me feel safe. So many of my gay male friends are so confidence with their sexual energy and that is arousing in itself.

I love men with feminine energy because I love women and I love the softness and the gentleness a lot of men with a heavy presence of feminine energy have. There’s something about an over masculine man that just gives me numb stagnant energy.

And last but not least bi sexual men are the shit because they just are. Honestly I haven’t figured this one all the way out yet but I do know I’ve been becoming more and more attractive to the bi sexual men who are loud and proud about it. There does have to be a genuine attraction first though, I don’t like you cause you’re Bi, I like you cause I like you and you happen to be bi.

As I write this though, I realize, I will know I’ve truly found myself sexually when I am just love.

All I want to do is exist and be. I get why so many of my peers are stripping themselves from labels just as I understand why some people

cling to them.

I don’t know what the future holds in store for me.

I know I desire a deep true love that feels light and effortless but passionate and divine.

And I don’t care what form of a person that love is expressed as.

All I know is I’ll continue to be transparent and authentic and most of all, most importantly, I’m going to give myself major grace when it comes to my sexuality.

I want to have FUN and sometimes being In your head can make life very un-fun.

Thank you for reading my loves.

Cheers to love

Xoxo

Love Atiya